We live in an age of authenticity obsession. Every coffee meetup must be ‘vulnerable.’ Every small group demands ‘deep sharing.’ We’ve convinced ourselves that unless someone knows our childhood trauma, our financial struggles, and our secret fears, the relationship barely counts. But what if this obsession with intimacy is actually starving our churches?
The Biblical Case for ‘Church Acquaintances’
Danny D’Acquisto, writing for 9Marks, makes a point that sounds almost scandalous in our therapeutic culture: most church relationships won’t be deep, intimate friendships—and that’s not a bug. It’s a feature of gospel community.
Picture Acts 5:12. Thousands gathered in Solomon’s Portico. Luke doesn’t describe them exchanging life stories over artisanal coffee. They gathered because they shared a common commitment to Christ and his mission. Their lives were linked not by subjective connection but by the body and blood of Jesus.
‘In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.’
The early church grew explosively not because everyone was best friends, but because they recognized something more binding than friendship: shared allegiance to the risen King. These ‘shallow’ friendships—what D’Acquisto calls ‘church acquaintances’—created the conditions for deeper ones to form. And they accomplished something even profound intimacy cannot: they reminded believers that their identity rests in Christ’s finished work, not in being known by others.
The Loneliness Epidemic and the Consumer Church
Here’s the hard truth: according to Barna research, 43% of American adults report feeling lonely on a regular basis. Among young adults, that number climbs to 61%. We’re the most connected generation in history—and the most isolated.
But the consumer church hasn’t helped. We’ve trained Christians to shop for churches the way they shop for gyms: based on personal preference, comfort, and ‘fit.’ When the worship style changes or the pastor preaches too long or the small groups feel ‘surface level,’ we quietly slip out the back door and find somewhere that ‘meets my needs.’
‘The church is a society of mutual edification, where every member is a servant and every servant is a member. The least has his place, and the greatest is not above the least.’
Calvin understood something we’ve forgotten: the church isn’t a friendship factory. It’s a covenant community. Your commitment to your brothers and sisters in Christ doesn’t depend on how well you ‘click’ with them. It depends on the blood-bought unity Jesus prayed for in John 17.
Three Gifts of ‘Shallow’ Friendship
When we embrace the legitimacy of church acquaintances—those relationships built on shared worship, mutual service, and common mission—three remarkable things happen:
First, we stop demanding that church meet needs only Jesus can fill. The loneliness epidemic won’t be solved by better small groups. It will be solved by believers who find their ultimate belonging in Christ first, and in community second. When we stop expecting our church friends to be our saviors, we’re free to enjoy them as gifts.
Second, we make room for the stranger. Pew Research data shows that churches with high ‘ relational turnover’—where people come and go—often struggle to retain newcomers. But churches that normalize casual, low-commitment entry points actually see higher long-term retention. Why? Because visitors aren’t scared off by intensity they’re not ready for.
Third, we prepare for persecution. This may sound strange, but consider: Open Doors reports that 1 in 7 Christians globally now live under high levels of persecution. In places like Nigeria, Syria, and North Korea, believers don’t choose their church based on ‘vibe.’ They gather because confessing Christ together is an act of war against the darkness. ‘Shallow’ friendships forged in shared worship become lifelines when the government raids your home or your family disowns you.
From Acquaintance to Disciple-Maker
Here’s where this connects to the mission of multiplication. The Disciple Standard DNA—2 Timothy 2:2, four generations of discipleship—requires something deeper than friendship. It requires covenant partnership.
You don’t need to know someone’s innermost struggles to teach them to read Scripture. You don’t need weekly coffee dates to model prayer. You need shared commitment to the Word, the Spirit, and the mission. Some of the most effective disciple-making relationships in church history have been what we’d call ‘shallow’—but they were marked by faithfulness, not familiarity.
This Week: Practice ‘Shallow’ Friendship
Here’s your challenge for this week:
- Greet three people you don’t know well after church. Don’t force depth. Just ask their name, how long they’ve attended, and what brought them that morning. Then pray for them this week.
- Stop apologizing for ‘only’ knowing someone from church. Those hallway conversations, those Sunday morning check-ins, those quick texts before prayer meeting—they matter. They’re the fabric of gospel community.
- Serve alongside someone before you try to befriend them. The best ‘deep’ friendships often grow from shared labor. Join a service team. Show up for setup. Work the nursery rotation. Partnership builds trust faster than forced intimacy.
The church doesn’t need more small groups that demand vulnerability on week three. It needs more believers who show up, week after week, committed to people they may never know intimately—but whom they love fiercely because Jesus died for them.
That’s not shallow. That’s the gospel.
Join Aaron Mamuyac and Scott Vander Ploeg on The Disciple Standard Podcast, available on YouTube @thedisciplestandard, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and at disciplestandard.com. New episodes every week exploring what it means to make disciples who make disciples.